The holidays and time with my kids have come and gone and here I go again. Why do I go through this every time? I certainly don't want my daughter and son living with me into their adulthood. Of course that would not be the right thing for them or me. They are ambitious young adults with active, successful lives, and I am so very proud of them.
But I miss them both so much. Whenever they are at home, the house is alive and whole and their energy transforms our house into a home. Their presence brings back irreplaceable memories.
It's particulary difficult for me when my son comes for a visit from college. I always look forward to it so much and work hard to create a welcome space for him and fill the fridge and cupboards with his favorites. There is nothing like that feeling when I first lay eyes on him either at the airport or climbing out of a friend's car. It's truly instant elation when I can finally give my son that first mama hug. The whole world looks a little brighter, and I find myself smiling without realizing it.
That's the high point. Then all too soon, the low point comes. It's time for him to leave, and I am facing that unavoidable grief once again. A heaviness fills me up and a painful ache takes over. I try to tell myself that I'm not being rational--that it's a good thing that he's in school and reaching for positive goals. That's the way it's suppose to be. But my emotional being just overrides everything else and the sadness sets in.
Then there's my beautiful daughter who does live in town. She's independent, successful, smart--just a great young lady. But I really don't see her nearly enough. There is too much time between visits. I treasure her company and want more of it. Sounds selfish, doesn't it.
I guess it boils down to the fact that I love those two more than life itself. They fill such a big part of my heart, so I guess it's probably normal to feel this empty nest grief. And I know that time will help to ease the heaviness, and there will be more visits to look forward to. But in the meantime, I will allow myself to feel this motherly sadness that grows from the enormous love that I have for my kids.
